Dear Baby- A Miscarriage Post

Hello Baby.  Today is your due date.  Today is the day that was supposed to mark your arrival (or soon to be arrival, if you took after your sister) into this world.  I should be rubbing my large belly, waiting for a sign that you are ready to make your entrance.  Today should be joyful and if not that, at least filled with happy anticipation.  Instead, I feel heartbroken.  I feel as awful as I did the day that the ultrasound tech couldn’t find your tiny heartbeat.  I miss you desperately and I feel cheated that I never got to meet you.

I wonder if you would have had my eyes or your Daddy’s.  I wonder if you would be long and thin like your sister, or if you would be short and chubby.  I want so badly to hear you cry and coo.  I want to hold you close and stroke your tiny little cheek.  I want to feel your soft breath and have your tiny hand wrapped around my finger.  I want to feel the heartbeat that I never got to hear.

I wrote your due date on the calendar as soon as it was given to me.  I wrote it in pencil in case they bumped it forward or back.  After you were gone, I couldn’t bring myself to erase it.  I didn’t want to erase it.  It was one of the few little reminders that I had of you.  Erasing it felt like denying that you existed and you most certainly existed.  I loved you fiercely from the moment I saw two pink lines.  You were always my baby.  Nothing will ever change that. 

I couldn’t let today go by without saying something.  I know that everyone else has moved on and forgotten, but you already meant the world to me so I can’t let the date pass by without recognition.  I pray for you daily.  I know that you are in far better Hands than mine and I pray for the peace that should come with that.  I know that someday I will get to hold you and your siblings close and tell you all how much I love you.  For now, I carry your memory.

I love you, dear Baby.  I miss you every day, but today is especially hard.  I wish today was different.  I wish I was holding you in my arms, but I know you are safe in the arms of Jesus.  I also know that I will get to hold you in my arms someday.  Until then, I pray that you know how much I love you and how desperately I wanted you.  Happy birthday, my Little One.

All my love,

Mommy